Day: May 11, 2023
Many people have difficulty in adult relationships, even when they are doing well in work or friendships. In a romantic relationship, you may find yourself experiencing a high level of emotion that doesn’t exist in any other area of your life.
Check out these steps for the ongoing work of in-relationship with your partner.
Stop analyzing your feelings and look at them
It does not necessarily reflect your partner’s intentions at the time. Of course, in the case of strong and frequent effects, this may not be the case. Remember that these intense, repeated feelings are often deeply rooted in physical emotional memories and emotional responses related to childhood trauma.
Listen curiously to what your partner has to say
Breathe. Stay open. Gain the empathy of your partner. Stop explaining or defending, and really listen to the content of what your partner is saying. It is worth trying to repeat it with your partner. It is not always productive to listen and fight back, threaten, blame, or deny trying to control your own emotions. You miss what they are trying to convey and you don’t listen through the prism of curiosity.
Hold your emotions and don’t react violently
Stop. Take a breath. Try to reach out to the scared, sad or angry child in you and support them. It’s your job. It’s not your job. Your sense of well-being cannot be based on the actions or beliefs of your partner. This is how you feel as a child when your survival truly depends on the favor and support of an often sane or disrespectful adult. Remember that your partner is probably flawed rather than acting with really bad intent. Two people of good will may have different perceptions of the same situation, and it is important to remember that each is rooted in their own experiences. Be supportive of each other so you can be open to your partner’s experiences as well as your own.
Ask for exactly what you want
Just because your partner doesn’t understand your needs doesn’t mean they don’t really want you. Your partner may be anxious, depressed, threatened, oblivious, or even involved.
I hope your partner is willing and interested in learning and working to build a positive relationship together. If so, your partner will learn to be more aware and accepting over time.
Ask for what you want instead of expressing what you don’t get. It creates a shift towards hope and openness and away from blame and self-fulfilling negative predictions.
Accept disappointment or frustration
Your partner can’t give you what you want, even when you ask for it directly. This is often due to emotional stress and imperfection or even time constraints or other tasks.
In a good relationship, we get some of the things we always want. In a healthy relationship, we get more of what we want most of the time.
Work on your feelings inside and not outside the relationship
This is especially important when you find yourself supporting negative thoughts or feelings (triangulation) of a friend or even a therapist or when you find yourself being left out of a conversation of your own mind. If you support a negative worldview, you will think that you are morally better, and you may even feel comfortable, but you will not develop relationships. It’s the opposite of being in a relationship. It looks like you are alone – you and someone giving yourself-speaking person. It is only supporting your world’s emotional vision and expectations.
Decide when to take some personal time off
In a romantic relationship, getting enough rest to deal with difficult conversations can also be a powerful psychological tool.
Deliberately spending time in relationships can help couples change their thoughts and feelings more effectively. Time out is an effective way for couples to deal with difficult conversations or conversations that they are not ready to have at the time.
For this tool to be productive couples must agree to respect each other’s need to make room emotionally and/or physically for conversations they feel they are not ready for either it is hot and destructive.
How relationship time creates a healthy emotional break
Partners may feel emotionally unprepared for conversation when they are tired, hungry, or stressed.
Many couples I work with in therapy make the mistake of having a difficult conversation before bed, after a long day at work, or after drinking too much. As you can imagine, these conversations don’t end well because they aren’t very structured communication options.
Couples who deliberately agree to set up a conversation and meet again later create a healthy emotional break that allows partners to process their feelings, calm down and think clearly.
Rug sweepers
Couples should be able to have difficult conversations; they cannot and should not avoid them. Some couples are successful in ending a difficult conversation and professionally sweeping it under the rug; don’t talk about those problems again. They are my “rug sweeper” couples, not fully understanding what the other person is thinking or feeling.
They avoid difficult conversations and often have misconceptions about their partner’s feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. Time outs should be used as a way to emotionally prepare to revisit a difficult conversation, not to avoid it altogether.
Commitment to revisiting conversations is just as important as downtime. Contributing to finding a good time for a stimulating conversation builds trust in the relationship. Trust that both of you will show emotional support during difficult times. Revised negotiations do not guarantee that the partners will agree, but that they will be more likely to get along.
The power of simply interacting can be healing; calming destructive thoughts and providing the sense of support necessary to create a cohesive conversation. Interactive deadlines also have the tremendous benefit of creating opportunities for ongoing and dynamic dialogue. Couples often agree that problems can be solved at the same time. Absolutely false!
Most problems are not accidental
Conversations that are allowed over time continue to foster a relationship foundation of emotional openness and trust.
Here are three good ground rules for taking relationship timeouts:
1. Give each other permission
Give each other a break when the conversation gets too emotional or when one of you feels unprepared.
2. Decide on your term or time limit
Maybe you say the word “time out” or maybe it’s a wave at each other. Find out what it is and stick to it.
3. Believe you will never solve problems at a session
It can take a lot of conversations to where you’re worthy. Using these three steps will help you build your emotional trust, communication, and overall relationship quality.
Basically, leaning in less and giving your relationship more space will help you build trust in your relationship. Even as adults, there are still times in our lives when we need to pack up the toys and take them home, even if it’s only temporarily.
Conclusion
Couples remain steadfast in their daily lives and do not know the problems that can accumulate in them. These issues can get worse if a couple gets stuck in a bad fight that they are not ready for.
Taking time out of difficult situations can be a refreshing button, giving people time to think about what they want and come to the conversation in a positive light.
So, without further ado, here are some tips, tricks, and things to look out for as you enter the big and scary world of long-term relationships.
Getting Started
First of all, if you are looking for a strong, long-term relationship for the rest of your life, marriage, if you are interested, you must make this clear to yourself. Stop being happy enough to stay in a relationship, and really, don’t be with someone just for sex. If you are really looking for a good long term relationship, then these are just a waste of time. (Of course, if you’re not looking for long-term stuff yet, then there’s no shame in sticking around for sex/fun, as long as you’re on the same page. More power than you.) Similarly, one night stands will not be able to get you anywhere – even if, by definition, they only last one night, you are not wasting any time.
Time
What about when you are in a relationship that can last? Well, perhaps the most immediate concern is time. Maybe you two are busy too. If you are lucky, you are busy and free at the same time. If not, it will be really difficult. It’s important to understand your partner’s business and other commitments – it may be difficult for them to find time to spend a lazy day with you, and you should be fine with that. Likewise, by using their precious vacation time, they may not want to spend it with you. They (and you) need time for themselves as well as time with their other friends and family. It may not give you as much time as you want, but sometimes it is.
Money
Money is, unsurprisingly, another big issue. For one thing, college is a bit of a financial fix, leaving most people in similar financial situations while in college. The real world is not like that. What if your partner makes twice as much as you do? For one thing, can you keep a handle on your money? Should you split joint purchases on the night 50/50, or will the richer partner pay more? The latter may seem reasonable, but it can leave an unlimited amount of power in the hands of the wealthier of the two of you. You need to decide early on how to handle these types of financial situations. Just because you meet someone with the same income as you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think about it – you could be just a promotion or two away from serious inequality.
Change
If you stick with someone long enough, you will see things change. You will change; they will change if the relationship will change. You must adapt to it. Sometimes these changes are what will cause problems and lead you astray. Sometimes inconsistency can be a problem, as your relationship becomes sluggish and frustrating, especially after you stop putting special effort into each other and start looking at things.
Live together
Finally, there is something that is, for most couples at least, the most important thing: living together. Unsurprisingly, there are many problems here. Are you into them, or vice versa? Do you see things together? One important thing to consider is personal space. If you share a room together, this is very difficult, but few things will ruin a good relationship faster than feeling like you can’t get away from each other. Last words, but not homework. Maybe I don’t have to explain a relationship problem.
