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Getting the Support You Need

Each family responds differently to the revelation that a son, daughter or family member is LGBT. Each individual within the same family can have different reactions. One parent may be shocked and disillusioned; the other may be angry and rigid. One sibling may be supportive and understanding; another may be ready to condemn and judge.

An initial reaction of shock and denial is common. Many of us reported having a feeling of numbness for days or weeks. When the shock is intense, denial and this sense of "numbness" serve as a mental buffer that gives our minds time to take in the new information slowly while we garner strength to react. A mother recollects,

At times, it felt like my husband and I we were having a bad dream, and I just wanted to "wake up!" Sometimes I even felt as if my child had died. It just couldn't be happening to us...

Keep in mind that, although each family is unique, your reactions are normal (except in extreme cases). Also, remember that your family, as any other, possibly already had issues before your loved one came out. Old tensions may come to surface.

Some parents dealt with a great deal of guilt because they harbored secret thoughts wishing that their daughter or son were dead. That is our mind's way of trying to make sense of an immense sense of loss while, in reality, our loved one is not physically dead. The feelings of loss is normal. We experience a sense of loss of all the expectations we all hold for our sons, daughters, siblings, family members and loved ones. Certainly, no one ever expected that perhaps our loved one would be anything but heterosexual, fall in love, have a family of their own...

With the revelation that our loved one is gay comes the loss of those dreams we were not aware we assume would come to pass. If our loved one were dead, we would come to terms with the reality of our loss more easily... or so it may seem initially. As normal as this process is in most cases, these thoughts can cause a sense of guilt.

The truth is that we have not lost our loved one... we lost our fantasy of how things ought to be.

This picture may at first seem grim and overwhelming. We have found that it is important for you to acknowledge to yourself and your gay loved one how you're feeling. In a time when most people would need a safe and trusted partner, friend or confidant, our feelings of guilt and shame often prevent us from seeking help.

Support groups exist for that reason. They provide a safe haven where you can share your innermost feelings without fear of being judged because others share your experience and understand. After all, they all gravitated to a support group for a common reason. They all have been there, where you may be right now.

In addition to support groups such as PFLAG, you can find support elsewhere. A trusted friend might offer unconditional love and support that would help us in these difficult initial phases. For those whose faith plays a meaningful role in their lives, seeking counsel from a cleric can help us find peace. A therapist who understands very well how people move through their stages of grief can provide much insight.

A word of caution: Make sure you find a person that does understands without being judgmental themselves. It would be disastrous to seek support from someone who will be just as shocked as you, who may be even more uncomfortable with homosexuality or transgenderism than you, or who will pass thoughtless judgment and reinforce your feelings of guilt and shame. The father of a lesbian recounts,

A few weeks after my daughter told me she was gay, I felt very isolated. I needed to talk to someone. I talked to an old friend that I thought would help me sort things out. His harsh criticism surprised me. In hindsight, I realize that I should have known. He loved gay jokes and spoke of gay people like they were trash... Fortunately, I later had the support of another friend, who was not uptight about homosexuality.

Follow your instinct about who to go to for support. If one person cannot give you the support you need, move on to someone else. Remember that you are going through a difficult life experience in and of itself. You can help yourself greatly by simply being able to express openly your feelings of shock, fear, anguish. By doing that you will move on to the next stage of recovering from a stressful revelation. Then you will be able to re-engage in developing a healthy relationship with your loved one.

Obviously, when you seek support from a group like PFLAG there's a great likelihood that you'll find the support you need right away. Our motto is "Keeping Families Together." Our main goal is to assist parents, families and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered persons in finding peace with their loved one's sexual orientation or sexual identity so that, as a result, stronger, healthier relationships can come about.

We invite to attend some of our meetings for a few months. Talk to people that have gone through this experience. Keep an open mind, and embrace this as an opportunity

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