Parents, Families, and Friends of
Support Education AdvocacyThe "Coming Out" Process
Coming out is defined as revealing one's sexual orientation to oneself and to others. Many authors and theorists have written about coming out as a process. There are many models and many different stages proposed. What follows is a good basic model summarizing many findings about this process; elements of the personal experiences of parents and gay and lesbian persons were also added.
1. Self-Recognition as Gay
For many, self-recognition of one's sexual orientation comes gradually. The
process may start very early in life. However, as young children, our
perceptions of sexuality are influenced by maturational stages at which
awareness of one's sexuality is still developing. For a child, sexuality is still
latent, and it has a very different significance as it does for a teenager,
a young adult and so forth.
This stage of self-recognition entails more than just an awareness of
attraction to members of the same sex; it involves confusion, some attempt
at denial and repression of feelings, anxiety and depression, trying to
"pass," using counseling and often religious commitment to
overcome or control one's sexual orientation.
The amount of negative feelings associated with initial self-recognition
as gay depends on the environment. If raised in a community with rigid
gender roles which discriminates overtly or covertly against anything
other than heterosexuality, one may feel intense pressure to conform
with societal values. Self-recognition unfold more smoothly if one
is raised in an environment less stringent about human sexuality.
Eventually, acknowledgment and acceptance of one's sexual
orientation develops. There may be feelings of loss of a "traditional
heterosexual life," which families and society at large holds as an unspoken
expectation. A grieving process follows such perception of loss.
During the self-recognition stage, lesbian and gay persons tend to be closeted,
hiding this information from others. However, most seek out information
about being gay. Intense questioning may occur while the individual reframes
old notions unconsciously accepted as the norm and attempts to understand how
gender roles and sexual identity will now apply to them.
2. Disclosure to Others
Sharing one's sexual orientation with a close friend or
family member is the first step in this stage. Rejection may
cause a return to the self-recognition stage, but positive
acceptance can lead to better feelings of
Disclosure is usually a slow process. Usually, a trusted friend is the
first to hear it. The more emotional investment involved in a relationship,
the less likely it is that they will hear it first. Parents tend to be
the last to know because of the intense fear of rejection. It is difficult
enought if a friend rejects the gay or lesbian person. A parent's rejection
seems too overwhelming. Such initial disclosures tend to be a type of "rehearsal"
for the eventual disclosure to parents and family members.
How people come out is influenced by many factors such as
their temperament and previous experiences with disclosure.
Some gays and lesbians come out in "gentle" ways,
admitting that they are gay if asked but not volunteering it.
Others do it in "loud" ways, proclaiming their sexuality
to others to end their sense of invisibility for being closeted for, at times,
many years.
If anger from being closeted for a long time is present, some persons
may come out abruptly, thus using the coming out process as a "weapon of
liberation." Sadly, others may express their anger by coming out as a way to
push people away that they feel are judgmental or treated them poorly
in the past. If they overgeneralize their negative experiences to "all
heterosexuals," they may come out that way to everyone, whether they
had negative experiences with them or not.
Curiously, others still may come out in a burst of anger to the people that
matter most to them, such as their parents, in spite of intense fear of
rejection. It seems counter-intuitive that fear of rejection would lead one
to come out abruptly. However, it's as if an internal conflict exists
that becomes unbearable: "They'll hate me if they find out. I don't
want them to, so I'll never come out to them. I can't hide the truth
from them any longer..." When being caught in this inner turmoil reaches a boiling
point, the only way that seems possible for them to come out is in a
burst of anger or resentment.
If people have preserved a good sense of self in spite of living a
closeted life, their coming out can be used to reaffirm old
relationships by creating a sense of increased trust and closeness.
As this stage progresses, a gay self-image develops. The person
analyzes stereotypes, incorporates some information about gay persons
while rejecting other information.
Even those with negative self images or pentup anger eventually come
to terms with their shortfalls and begin to replace negative images
with more positive, self-affirming ones.
3. Socialization with Other Gay People
Socializing with other gays and lesbians provides the experience
that the person is not alone; there are others like him or her.
It creates the sense of belonging lacking during the
closeted phase.
A positive sense of self develops and is strengthened by acceptance,
validation, and support. Contact with positive gay or lesbian role
models can play a large role at this stage.
4. Positive Self-Identification
This stage entails feeling good about oneself, seeking out positive relationships with other gays or lesbians, and feeling satisfied and fulfilled. Positive progress through the earlier stages creates a sense that one can live a happy life regardless of their sexual orientation.
5. Integration and Acceptance
One becomes increasingly open and non-defensive about one's sexual
orientation. There develops a feeling of sexual orientation as a
"Around the time I came out, everything was gay. All I thought about
was that I was gay. I felt good about being gay, then I felt bad I
was gay. I felt excited I was gay, then I felt ashamed I was gay.
All the time, it was "gay, gay, gay, gay!"
I'm so glad that's over! I can go days without even thinking about
it. I'm reminded when I hear something on the radio or hear a
tacky comment about gay people. But most of the time, I'm not thinking
about it. It's is great to feel normal.
One may be open about their sexual orientation without
actively "announcing" it. Couples live comfortable lives together and seek out other
couples for socialization, thus increasing the sense of belonging to a
community of people. Many feel a sense of duty to be available to support others
in their coming out process, improve mental and physical health issues in the
gay community, fight for civil rights, and so forth.
One's age plays a factor in how open one is about his or her sexual orientation.
Older gay men may be less open may see no need to change. Younger gay men may be
more open, politically active, and visible in the gay community. As with any
groups, individual differences abound.
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