Parents, Families, and Friends of
Support Education AdvocacyQuestions and Answers
For Those Whose Loved Ones Just Came Out
Click on the questions, and see the answers below:
What is happening to me?... Why tell me? Is it my fault? Who recruited my child? What about the law? Should we tell? Is there objective information? Is it a sin? Is it unnatural? Am I in denial? How does my child feel? Is there a cure? Why doesn't my child "act gay"? Will my child have a lonely life? No more grandchildren? Who can I talk to? What about AIDS? Any books I can read?
What About AIDS?
from the Critpath web site...
This is the bad news. But there's hope.
Here are some grim statistics (for 1999) from the Center for Disease Control, the U.S. government's primary public health agency dealing with this epidemic: Adolescent gay men are infected with the virus at a rate approximately three times that of the straight population (though heterosexuals are catching up fast). In urban areas of the United States, between 5 and 8 percent of all adolescents are infected with the virus that causes AIDS. And AIDS is now the leading cause of death of young men between the ages of 25 and 44. It beats out cancer, traffic accidents, handgun violence and all other infectious diseases.
Your child doesn't have to be part of this grim reality. Here's what you can do to prevent it:
Rule number one: Don't Nag! Your child has heard it all before, believe me. You aren't the first to raise this issue with him or her, and believe it or not, you won't be the last. It's OK to express your concern, but don't keep bringing it up. You'll only make it sound like you're covertly trying to "cure" him or her of homosexuality. That is a surefire way to lose influence.
Know the facts yourself. The best way to know what your talking about is to visit one of the many safe sex pages on the web, and just look around, even if you are uncomfortable with it. You have to know the facts if you want to have any credibility with your son or daughter. You can check out some information on the internet (sexuality.org and positive.org in English or in Spanish). Another great place is Critpath.Org.
Be honest at all times when discussing this issue. Don't try to be the expert if you're not absolutely certain of what you're talking about. If you're ignorant of the answer to a question your child asks, don't be afraid to admit it. Doing so will build credibility with your child, and trying to be the expert when you're not will destroy credibility faster than anything. Remember, this situation is much more personal to your child than it is to you, and he or she has probably been collecting information that will enable him or her to detect ignorance on your part.
Be supportive. This is the flip-side of rule number one. Let your child know you love him and want his or happiness as much as your own, but not in the context of moralizing (that's just nagging again). Encourage long-term, monogamous relationships. With teens, admittedly, this is hard to do. Gay teen males especially love to "sleep around" and "sample the goods" and "see what's out there." Many are actually sexually attracted to members of high-risk groups. But if you encourage long-term relationships with quality partners, not only will you be fostering their emotional growth, you'll be reducing significantly the chances of their becoming HIV infected.
Don't forbid. The words "I forbid you to..." is a surefire guarantee your son or daughter will do it anyway, particularly if he or she is still adolescent. Your child will almost certainly have sex, whether you want him or her to or not, and forbidding them to do so will only alienate him or her. Your child is smart enough to know that no one gets pregnant from homosexual sex, and that, in his or her mind, is the number one reason for not having sex in the first place. I guarantee you that if your child is adolescent, your child figures he or she is immortal and the AIDS epidemic only applies to old, fossilized perverts. The way to break down this kind of thinking is to know the facts and, without nagging, encourage the behaviors that allow them to grow emotionally without putting themselves at risk. You can do that by being knowlegable and earning respect rather than demanding it.
Get involved. Getting involved in your local AIDS care project and encouraging your child to help is the best possible way to educate him or her. By setting this kind of example, your child will quickly learn that you take this really seriously. And by teaching your child to volunteer, you will contribute greatly to his or her self-esteem, which is a primary prerequisite to self control in this epidemic. If your child meets real AIDS patients, he or she will quickly learn that this thing is real, and that he or she is vulnerable, especially when he or she meets young people near his or her age. It will do more to break down the "I'm immortal" mindset than anything else you can do. Yes, it takes time, effort and commitment, but isn't your child worth it?
Encourage Sex Education in the public schools. Yes, this is very controversial. But the statistics by the Centers for Disease Control, the National Institutes of Health, the World Health Organization and many others show very clearly that thorough, frank sex education significantly delays the onset of sexual activity and promotes the use of condoms when sexual activity does begin to occur. Where sex education is the most thorough, both teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases among adolescents are significantly lower. For example, in the Netherlands, where sex education begins early and is a constant through the public educational process, the teen pregnancy rate is one fifth the rate in Utah, where there is no meaningful sex education in the public schools. The message couldn't be clearer. Sex education is needed in the public schools, and could do a lot to slow the spread of AIDS. Reason enough to support it.
