Parents, Families, and Friends of
Support Education AdvocacyQuestions and Answers
For Those Whose Loved Ones Just Came Out
Click on the questions, and see the answers below:
What is happening to me?... Why tell me? Is it my fault? Who recruited my child? What about the law? Should we tell? Is there objective information? Is it a sin? Is it unnatural? Am I in denial? How does my child feel? Is there a cure? Why doesn't my child "act gay"? Will my child have a lonely life? No more grandchildren? Who can I talk to? What about AIDS? Any books I can read?
Should We Tell Others?
There are two perspectives to consider:
- Your child's readiness to come out to family members and others.
- Your need to seek support from others.
From your child's perspective...
Once we gained insight on what it's like for our children to grow up gay in our society, we became sensitive to their "coming out issues." Many relationships could be damaged if we disclosed our children's sexual orientation before they were ready. For their own well-being, it is important for them to be in control of who knows, when they know it, and how.
Especially they have known someone for a long time, it can be very stressful for our children to come out. Is it any wonder that many gay children wait sometimes years for the right time to tell their own parents?
They fear that they may be rejected or hurt. We just need to be sensitive to our children's needs before disclosing such personal information about them. Telling "the wrong person" could be disastrous if they react negatively, and openly so. This could damage the trust our children placed on us when they finally had the strength to come out and throw our children into further feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame.
We shouldn't forget that our children have already spent a good portion of their lives dealing with discrimination. In addition, they may already have come out to friends years before they told us. Our children know more about the issue of disclosure than we can imagine. So, an open, honest conversation with our children (before we tell others) can be very insighful.
From the parents' perspective...
Patti, the mother of a gay son, put it well "... It is human nature to seek comfort from your hurt and fears. I strongly recommend being careful in whom you confide. I found that most people just don't know what to say or how to comfort you." (For this family's story, visit the Ellis Family web site.)
We may be unaware of our exact motivation for talking to someone, but what we want is to hear comforting words, for someone to tell us that everything will be just fine and that they understand. However, just as we had difficulties dealing with a loved one's homosexuality, others may too.
When we are especially sensitive and vulnerable, if we talk to the wrong person, they may bring up their own biases on the issue and confuse us even further.
Doesn't this secrecy throw us, parents and families, into a "closet" of our own?! Yes, it does. Sadly, many of our loved ones had been living in that "closet" for a long time before they came out to us. We're in no way suggesting you should not seek support from others. Just be sensitive to your loved one's and your own needs before you disclose this to someone. Choose someone that you believe will truly help, rather than add to an already stressful situation.
If you know parents of gay children, or people you know to be open minded about homosexuality, they should be the first person to call. They are likely to be a source of support for you. At PFLAG, you are most likely to find people like those.
If you find yourself picking up the phone, calling someone, and ultimately just "talking about the weather," don't feel discouraged. It is a sensitive subject, and many of us needed to practice the converstation in our heads before having the actual conversation with someone.
We urge you to confront those fears and seek the support you need as soon as you can.
PFLAG was definitely the place to get the support we needed. At PFLAG you can talk to other parents that have been where you are. The first time we called PFLAG, it was uncomfortable for all of us. But we all felt a tremendous sense of relief when we heard someone say, "I understand. You will be just fine."
For many of us, it took a few phone calls to a member before we finally attended a meeting. Soon, we all asked ourselves, "Why did I wait so long?!" We were able to cry, talk, laugh, and share ideas with other parents. We also met gay persons (who are always welcome to attend our meetings). Some of us brought our own gay children, and we all benefited.
Soon, our perspectives changed, and we began to wonder why we once felt as if a "burden" had been placed on our shoulders. We learned to be grateful that our children were able to lift the burden of secrecy off their shoulders and move on to happier, healthier lives being honest about who they were.
We all embraced our children and came to realize that the feelings of isolation and loneliness we were just now experiencing were not new to them for many years. The healing we found for ourselves enabled us to support our gay loved ones better.
We wanted for them the same healing that we had found for ourselves. We would love to share that with you too.
