Parents, Families, and Friends of
Support Education AdvocacyQuestions and Answers
For Those Whose Loved Ones Just Came Out
Click on the questions, and see the answers below:
What is happening to me?... Why tell me? Is it my fault? Who recruited my child? What about the law? Should we tell? Is there objective information? Is it a sin? Is it unnatural? Am I in denial? How does my child feel? Is there a cure? Why doesn't my child "act gay"? Will my child have a lonely life? No more grandchildren? Who can I talk to? What about AIDS? Any books I can read?
Why Did My Child Have to Tell Me?
Simply put, your child wanted to be honest with you. Have you ever tried to pretend you're something you're not? It is a tremendous mental and psychological burden. It takes a lot of energy, damages your self-esteem, and makes you feel unworthy of others' love and respect.
Pretending to be heterosexual is a burden that carries with it a great deal of guilt and shame. Like us, you've certainly taught your children honesty. Now your child has shown that he or she loves you enough to be honest with you about who he or she is. Imagine the great personal risk of rejection your child chose to face by being honest. Imagine the mixture of fear and relief gay people must face to be honest about who they are.
In coming out to us, our children have entrusted us with information that shows honesty and integrity, even though they know that these values may cost them our love and acceptance.
For those of us who found out indirectly, we can still play an important role in helping them face their feelings of fear, guilt, shame, self-loathing... feelings that so many gays and lesbians report having during this difficult phase of coming out. Perhaps they wanted you to find out anyhow, and that's why they left "evidence" around...
In some instances, the revelation may have come in a time of anger, during an argument. Unfortunately, coming out can be used as a means to hurt parents. This makes things a little more complicated. Parents then have to deal not only with the revelation but also with issues already existing in the famlily. Healing in the family as a whole is needed.
Whatever your situation, the important thing at this point is not to judge yourself
or your loved one. It's a difficult time for everyone involved. Be gentle with
yourself and others...
It doesn't matter whether our children came out to us or we found out ourselves. If we can
be honest with them about our own feelings and how we love them regardless of their
sexual orientation or gender identity, we are likely to get to know them better and
get closer to them than we ever imagined. As loving parents, isn't this what we all want?
