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Why Is My Child or Loved One So Angry?

How LGBT persons react to the coming out process depends on many different factors.

Did they grow up in an accepting or oppressive environment?
Have they had negative or positive previous experiences around being gay?
Have they had positive or negative gay role models?
What's the person's temperament (extroverted or introverted; social or withdrawn; etc.)?
How mature are they?
Are they mentally healthy?
and so forth...

All LGBT may experience all or some of these reactions at one time or another, and often at the same time (and these are just a few):

Feeling exhilarated; feeling liberated to be who you are; no more lies, no more hiding.
Experiencing a sense of loss. Losing one's sense of self, which was previously based on the illusion of being heterosexual. Losing the dreams you grew up with: falling in love with a person of the opposite gender, having a traditional wedding and a traditional family.
Feeling condemned by society, family and friends.
Sensing a loss of privacy. Your sex life becomes the focus of attention for those to whom you've come out. Questions are asked that no one would ask a heterosexual person.
Fear surfaces at different levels. Fear of abandonment by the parents, family or old friends. Fear of being rejected and ridiculed. Fear of losing a job. Fear of being evicted. Fear of being physically attacked for being gay.
Feeling confused. Trying to figure out where you fit in to the gay community. How do I date? How do I relate to other LGBT people. Deciding who to tell or not tell, why, when, how...

So... Why Is My Child So Angry?

Anger as defense mechanism. Often, going through so many changes and experiencing so many feelings (often conflicting) what stands out as a basic human emotion is fear. Depending on the person's temperament, anger can be used as a defense mechanism. When guided by sheer instinct, we have two simple choices in the area of perceived fear: fight or flight. You either run from the "confrontation" or "offending situation" as fast as we can, or we stand ground and fight with all our might.

Especially in the early stages of coming out, GLBT persons can at times feel very defensive. Years of perceived and real repression and oppression are fended off through anger. Sometimes, as part of human nature, we feel that we need to "attack" out of fear of being attacked.

Some amount of anger is normal. As parents, we should be ready to understand and help our loved ones work through the anger in healthy ways.

Seeking professional help. Particularly if the anger is excessive and uncontrollable, it may require professional help. Although anger is a normal human emotion that exists for a reason, if it goes awry, it can be detrimental, leading to problems such as the abuse of self (e.g., drugs, alcohol, promiscuity) and others (emotional and physical), psychosomatic manifestations, depression or anxiety, and so forth. The same applies if the anger is unresolved after an excessive amount of time. A good therapist with experience dealing with the coming out process can often be more effective than parents or family members in helping our loved ones deal with their anger. After all, many times that anger is directed at us, and we feel defensive ourselves.

Bringing it up. If your loved one is a teenager, it is advisable to suggest a therapist or psychologist. Your teenager will probably more receptive to the idea if we suggest it in a moment of calm, rather than in the middle of an argument or acting out episode. Under no circumstance should we use the idea of seeking professional help as a threat, "If you don't stop acting like that, I'll make you go see a shrink!" That's a sure-fire way of burning that bridge. You may want to visit a counselor yourself, who will instruct you on the best way to get your child to his or her office willingly.

The same applies to adult loved ones. A suggestion out of genuine, loving concern for their well-being is more likely heard than a threat. Again, we should in no way make the suggestion as an insult, "Since you came out, you've been a pain! Why don't you go see a shrink?!"

It's not always about the coming out. Coming out can also force other issues to surface in the family. The problem is not about coming out itself. Rather, anger is fueled by an issue within the family structure (or family dynamics) that already existed. Family counseling could be beneficial to everyone as the problem will not go away until it is resolved. Trying to change our gay loved one into a heterosexual is not going to solve the problem because their sexual orientation is not the source of anger to begin with.

Finding Support. Many parents at our PFLAG meetings have reported dealing with their loved one's anger (as well as their own). It's very likely that someone will be able to support you and share their solutions with you.

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