Parents, Families, and Friends of
Support Education AdvocacyMore Questions and Answers
Is My Child or Loved One Confused?
It depends on what we mean by "confused." If we mean that perhaps our children are confused about their sexual orientation, read the previous question ("Is it just a phase?"). If we mean that our children may be confused about what do to with themselves now that they've come out, they probably are. How much depends on many factors.
Coming out can be a very stressful process. Sadly, as parents and family members, we're unaware that by the time our GLBT children come out to themselves and to us, they have already gone through some tough life experiences (such as denial, feelings of guild and shame, different forms of emotional abuse and in extreme cases even physical violence because of their sexual orientation). Coming out is part of a long process (how long depends on factors such as the person's age, previous experiences, parental support and acceptance, etc.).
Our children aren't simply revealing to us about their sexual orientation; they are also engaging themselves in a process of understanding and healing themselves from these previous experiences. This can be a difficult and, yes, confusing task.
If your loved one has just come out, it is very possible that he or she feels confused about who they are as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered person. How do they fit into a society that is so condemning? How will they relate to other GLBT persons?
Although they may feel a sense of liberation because now they can be honest about who they are, what lies ahead can seem overwhelming and frightening at times. Keep in mind that for a long time they lacked the experience of just being who they are.
As parents or family members, we shouldn't feel that our loved ones don't care about us anymore if they don't come to us for support or advice. That also applies to those parents who found out through someone else or accidentally. We ourselves are facing similar difficulties... we're confused. If we are diligent in finding support and, hopefully, coming to a level of understanding and acceptance of our loved ones, we may have an opportunity to have an open dialog with them and still play a major role in their lives.
For parents, it's a time to learn to listen.
It's important at this point to let your loved one know how you feel while reassuring that you love them and that you're trying to understand better. One father retells his conversation with his son,
I don't know very much about homosexuality. I've been feeling different things since I found out
that you're gay. Sometimes I feel sad about it. Sometimes I get really angry. I'm doing the
best I can to sort all this out. Your mother and I need some time to get used to the idea.
In the mean time, I want you to know that we love you very much. We want to be there for you
because it must be difficult for you 
After a few years, these parents report having a very close a relationship with their gay and heterosexual sons.