Parents, Families, and Friends of
Support Education AdvocacyMore Questions and Answers
Is It a Phase?
Maybe... but very probably not.
If someone tells you they are heterosexual, do you immediately wonder if it's perhaps just a phase? Most of us wouldn't because we have always believed that there's only one way in life: you grow up to be heterosexual, get married, have a family. Most of us don't even consider the possibility that a loved one might not conform to that.
Wondering if someone's homosexuality is "just a phase" is one of the most common reactions parents and families have when they first find out that a loved one is gay, even when we only suspect that it might be the case. Perhaps, we hold on to the hope that they will "get over it" some time soon.
In fact, questioning a difficult reality seems to be a common human reaction. We find out someone was diagnosed with a terminal illness... we want second opinions or our initial reaction is "it can't be!" even though deep inside we know we can't change reality. Even if someone dies, we react with "Oh, no!"
Helpful Considerations
When asking yourself if what your loved one revealed to you is "just a phase," consider the following things.
Your disbelief is a human reaction. As discussed above, we're denying reality to buffer ourselves from something we can't take in all at once.
Is sexual orientation something that comes and goes? Much research done in the past decades indicates that sexual orientation (i.e., the attraction to and ability to create romantic bonds with individuals of the opposite or same gender) is inate and does not change over time. Although there are divergent views on that, there's mounting evidence that, if you're heterosexual, your feelings towards sex may change with age and maturity. However, your will stay essentially the same, and you're always going to be heterosexual. The same goes for homosexuality.
Whatever "causes" someone to be heterosexual or homosexual is still being researched, and it's possible that we're still far from understanding fully why most of us are heterosexual while some are homosexual. Some studies have shown that sexual orientation is determined during pregnancy. Others show a genetic predisposition to homosexuality. Some will argue that it's a combination of factors, including environmental factors. Whatever the "cause" may be, the fact remains that, throughout history, many gay, lesbian, bisexual persons have even tried to "control" their homosexualit without much success and sometimes with devastating results.
How does your loved one feel? Also consider how people must feel when you question their ability to know something so intimate about themselves. By the time they've finally mustered enough confidence to tell us, they have probably thought really hard about how they feel, they've agonized over how they would come out to us, rehearsed in their minds what they wanted to say, thought of all the possible consequences such as recrimination, anger, rejection... Insisting that it may be just a phase may give us some hope that they'll change, but simply invalidates what was so difficult for our children to tell us in the first place. They've put so much thought and consideration, and chose to be honest with us... and we turn around and, in essence, tell them that it can't be.
One's age plays a role in how "sure" they are about themselves? We should consider our children's age when they come out. If they're past their late teens, they're very likely past the "questioning phase" about their sexuality.
When our children are very young, we may have some reason to question their professed sexual orientation. Some gender and sexual confusion is part of growing up. Studies indicate that very few people are completely heterosexual or completely homosexual. However, validating our children's thoughts and feelings is also important for them to feel that they matter to us and that their ideas will not be carelessly dismissed.
Chances are, however, that they put a lot of thought into this for some time;
otherwise, they probably wouldn't have told you. In addition, why would they tell us something
like that unless they were feeling like that? Keep in mind their own effort in understanding
themselves. As a parent, isn't it our responsibility to help our children to grow into
healthy adults? Sexuality is part of growing up, and we can play a positive role in
determining whether our children will be healthy, happy heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or
transgendered 